My Life as a Bitch.

So here I am tryna mind my own business and helping people out with their issues even though I’m currently growing in a place where two of my favourite people has broke-up which means I’m having trouble being there for both person and its such a huge pressure. Let’s not forget that my favourite uncle and aunty who I somewhat adopted is leaving me soon which hurts me in so many ways. Cause, I’m not close with any of my relatives except the ones in Sri Lanka and knowing that I am attached to them makes me wanna throw trauma so they won’t leave but it’s me. Trust me, I tried my best to stop being clingy by focusing on myself which eventually worked. Yet, I’m still thinking about them day and night 😦 .Trying to get my lifestyle straight for now…

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Photo by Austin Guevara on Pexels.com

However, I was told to help someone who trusted me and I did. But it got to the point where the person was trying to control and start picking on me aka emotionally abusing me. Imagine picking on a real-life Satan whose minding her own business. Yeah, that’s how my actual character is. I could destroy a person life within seconds. Since my dad and my fav bros always taught me to be patient and not to be a bitch. I did on what as told. Regardless, how much you try, being a good kid, I hate hearing rumours about me. All those things they plan to do me while the main person is away. How am I suppose to react to it.

Shall I tell the “main person” on whats happening? Will she believe me? Do I go on vacation and break her promise? Or should I just deal with it cause God and Karma exist?

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Photo by Pixabay on Pexels.com

Either way, I’m really liking this new lifestyle. Inhaling the smoke and watching it flow endlessly from my mouth as I’m in serious, with my deep thoughts. My bro has no clue about whats going on cause I decided to be lowkey and didn’t felt like being a crybaby, which I’m naturally am when he’s around. I’m currently insecure and have a ton of acne due to stress and being broken, so most of my soul is packed away til someone can be like

“OMG, You Really Need Me In Your Life!!!

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Photo by Skitterphoto on Pexels.com

If I had to be brutally honest, I’ve never trusted anyone or will ever be close with anyone besides my brothers. I don’t ever think they’ll leave me for something else or betray me in any kinds of way. Eventhough, I’m extremely clingy to them and they know that they’re my only friends I got. I don’t think, I’ll get amazing friends like them.

A friend came up to me to warn me about what they had mention to her which is to hurt my feelings by doing certain things to me. The funny part was that she told them that

“Do you really think she cares if you do stuff like that to her “.

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I guess that’s something I love about myself. Gosh, I love myself. But Seriously, my anger is still lingering on to me. Why would they wish to destroy me when I did nothing and helped them when they had serious personal problems of their own.

Like ARGHHH!!!

Therefore, I came to a conclusion that I permanently will remain as a bitch. Which means that you won’t be seeing such a thing called a sweet person in my case. According to Wikipedia, it mentions that it can indicate a strong or assertive woman. So I guess, I’m gonna keep that as my nickname. Jokes. I just wanna be me and I decided that I’m no longer talking to anyone and keeping my distance with humans unless I feel like they need someone to talk to. Besides that I should be fine cause like I said from the beginning, I have four amazing bros to annoy the shit out.

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Why I consider myself as a Sri Lankan, not Tamil

Whenever I tell people that I’m a Sri Lankan. People of my kind tend to stare at me weirdly and corrects me by telling me that I’m a Tamil. I do mention elderly Tamil people that I’m Tamil so it would be easier for them to communicate. So let me allow you to step into my life as I post interesting free pics which is not part of my copyright regarding on my journey in life. Maybe it will allow you to understand me a bit better.

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So years ago, my mother aka amma planned to give birth to me. Due to Circumstances, my mother travelled all the way from Jaffna to give birth to a Legend, in south Sri Lanka. imagine those fire routes, LTTE and the Sri Lankan army during that time. Seems scary, isn’t it?
Anywayz, I arrived in Canada and eventually got to be exposed to all sorts of religion and was grew up with a ton of amazing Sri Lankan family. I was raised by a Tamil Christian family and Sinhala family. practically grew up with my cousin who was Hindu and family friends that were Tamil Muslims. The best part was that I was in the hands of no harm and was not killed. (being sarcastic and rolling my eyes)

 

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I guess, changing to more than 5 schools seemed stressful cause I was either had more friends, had no friends, bullied or maybe had the world against me. I was upset but I didn’t really give a shit.

When the Tamil genocide started, I was getting bullied by anyone who was Tamil and if you weren’t Tamil, it was your lucky day. I was practically emotionally bullied. Believe it or not, I got to see a ton of false Tamil considering themselves as Tamil Tigers or being a pro-Tamil. Sadly, I’m seeing it on Social media. Even though I was born as a Sri Lankan Tamil and was from Jaffna. Their excuse was that I had to born in “TAMIL EELAM” to be a Tamil. In this case, I wasn’t. As you grow older, you tend to wonder how stupid they were. Cause according to the words they mentioned, they were born outside of “TAMIL EELAM” so they “THEMSELVES” would not be considered as a Tamil. But since it’s me I don’t give a shit. This continued til the world has released a news which is false that “The LTTE Leader has been killed”. However, the Non-Tamils continued to get on my nerves. If I had to be brutally honest, I did got to see the people who truly cared and still managed to be my friends thru all that. btw, this is when I start considering myself as a Sri Lankan Tamil cause I was a teen and was heartbroken. Plus, I wasn’t a huge fan of people picking on the Sinhalese either. That’s how my conclusion to that came.

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Recently, I had followed a pro-Tamil person and I actually enjoyed everything til I found out that I felt extremely uncomfortable. Dragging Tamil people down, showing hate towards the light skin Tamil people which felt that I was accepting something that I was personally against. the person was also proving me wrong on why I should become a Tamil and not a Sri Lankan.I was later considered confused and strange to them. I later saw social media celebs showing hate on the word “Sri Lankan”. It was annoying and I personally felt that the Tamil people who were telling the world that they were part of the Tigers got on my nerves. I personally didn’t want hatred. But this is what I can personally say to all those pro-Tamil and false Tamil tigers.

Will do a quick history of our Sri Lankan war regarding on what had happened in a different post.

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The Tamil Tigers who ruled Jaffna at the time had people under control. There were “things” that happened but it wasn’t serious. Everyone was under control. No one spread hatred to one to another. Food was given and shared. They made programs where its called a masterclass at the moment where people got to learn thing for free. it was safe for a female to walk down the street knowing that no men would whistle at her. there so much more but it takes a real human to know. I heard a few stories regarding about them and I will accept them since the LTTE leader had apologized back then regarding about the Muslim Tamil. The main point of the Tamil Tigers was that they wanted a peaceful country and have an independent place where we have an actual identity. This has nothing to do with the Sinhalese people at all. Its based on the government, the British royal and the foreigner who raided Sri Lanka. We’re just recreating a new problem for a community where we can end it the easy way. Not all problems are permanent, just remember. The main point of this blog is to show how better us humans can do by being united.

It Takes nothing to join the crowd, it takes everything to stand alone. Hans F.Hansen

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Low-key, Unexpected Failures & Time.

I decided to be low-key after having issues in my life. I swear that I contained bad luck starting from December 2017 til now. So far, I had been procrastinating, the list that I had planned to do for me to become successful ended up being a failure as well as the fact that my so-called support system has been missing cause someone who seems attractive has swift them away. God bless my soul, and I MEAN IT!!! I remember getting into a massive argument about how I wasn’t a huge fan of them supporting the “person” for betraying aka using me and I no longer want to be part of their life. Yet, I made no sense to them, and it doesn’t bother me, no more. Will remain invisible til they feel like “Damn, she’s right”.

From what I had done so far to make me feel happy:

• Deactivate all my social media accounts
• Put my phone on airplane mode which means that I no longer won’t be part of anyone’s life til I get my life straight.

Sadly, I got no ideas, my so-called bestie nor had my deceased grandfather came to help me. Which is oddly strange, they’re usually the ones who comfort me when I’m sad or lonely. Often, life is filled with tests. To enter the next level, you must excel one. Yet, I’m struggling badly. It got to the point where I was desperate and decided to go to the bad path. Of course, I had told someone because I didn’t want to disappoint the person who was there for me since day one aka my Thambi. He did somewhat be okay even though I wasn’t specific. But he did write a message, but this part caught my eye.

“Be smart, think positive, push forward, and don’t give up because hard times now means good times are to come.”

So, I dropped my plans and decided to be patient and try to expand my skills into a different field of studies. It ended up being a flop. The classes that I took eventually got cancelled and I was extremely heartbroken. None of my plans is working out well at all. Not going to lie, but I don’t know what my plans for the future are no more. I do distract myself from keeping myself from falling into depression. Hopefully, it works.

Please excuse me for loving the Kardashian a bit, but Kourtney once said on Episode 15 of Season 14: Diamonds Are Forever.

“I’m realizing that I don’t need my sister’s permission, ideas or feedback to do my own thing. Everybody finds their path at different times.Whether its interior design or something else. I’m just in a place right now in my life with work and relationship where I just need to take in charge and really live life for myself and my kids.”

 

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Repost: @james_clear

I found this picture with a bunch of quotes found under it on Insta.

The success you see others experiencing is rarely as sexy as it appears to be

 

Repost: @tiabhuva : I came across this post on Reddit – initially written by @james_clear .

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1. People naturally want to share the most photogenic version of their life and seldom discuss the process behind the scenes.
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2. The results of success are usually public and highly visible, but the process behind success is often private and hidden from view.
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3. The deception of success is greater now than ever before because social media curates the best, happiest and biggest moments to show us.
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4. When your screen is filled with examples of the strongest, richest, and smartest, it’s easy to overvalue the outcome & undervalue the process.
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5. You start to think there are people out there who have somehow “hacked life” such that there are only rewards and no consequences.
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6. You can’t cherry-pick your favourite parts of a lifestyle. When you choose the benefits of an action, you also choose the drawbacks.
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7. The great trick of success is that to actually achieve it you have to want the public rewards and the hidden costs.

8. If you’re not willing to 100 percent swap with who that person is, then there is no point in being jealous.

9. Maybe jealousy and envy would fade if we knew the full story behind success. Maybe we would be less likely to put people on a pedestal.

Who Knew….

Today for the first time, I’m going to pour out my feelings into this blog. I was looking through my messages on Facebook. I realized that my Ex best friend HK is on Facebook back.  My Ex Best friend loves to deactivate her Facebook because she told me that it was some sort of distraction. This caused her to deactivate her Facebook. But as a long as they know that Facebook is distracting, I’m good. As I went to her profile, to post something on her wall. I realized that she and I am no longer friend. She was known to be the best friend a.k.a big sis to look up to. She was dealing with a lot of issues. But I was there for her and she was there for me. When she first came to high school, we became friends. We could say that she was a hyper Punjabi person. I didn’t chilled with her because she had friends of her own. When we were in grade 10, we became best friends. We were so close that I knew her life/problems and she knew mines. Before we graduated from high school, she wrote and told me a lot of nice things that I can never forget. We thought that we would be there for each other when we were older. But times, changes. During college, she won’t talk to me as much as she used to. She hardly was there for me when I was actually there for her. I knew something was wrong. So, I called her but she hung the phone on me. Who knew this would actually happen. So I called my friend Abigail (a.k.a model and also tried out to become Miss Teen Canada) and told her my issues with her. She told me that she was dealing with issues and I should leave her alone, for a while. It was hard at first but I did as told. As days passed, my Best Friend started to talk to me during Christmas. She had a thing of writing long messages to me. Some of her messages makes me a bit emotional because she had the amazing things to tell me. Then she stopped talking and messaging to me again. It’s really annoying .But once I got an iPod app that allows people to msg me while I’m not on Facebook or Hotmail .I started texting her…

Ajitha: hey I got a phone so if you want to talk to me, text me on this number

HK: hey, who is this?

Ajitha: it’s Ajitha

She never replied.

Three weeks later….

Ajitha: hey what’s up?

Hk: who is this?

Ajitha: it’s me Ajitha :p

She never replied.

I had a feeling that there was something wrong with her but I never stopped .Cause when a friend needs help…we have to be there.

Ajitha: If you don’t want any me to be there for you, just say it so I will know that you don’t need help at all. And I could stop worrying about you.

HK: who are u?

Ajitha: it’s Ajitha

She never replied back and I stopped helping .Couldn’t believe that I wasted my time to help her. I minded my own business and tried making it better by being with the friends who was there for me. It’s been three months that we hadn’t talked. Later on, I realized that she and I are not friends anymore .I was heartbroken. She told me that she would be my side when I need her and I’ll be by her side. This just ruined my day. I have no words to say but tears. There was a lot of confusion within me. Was I the unperfected one or was there something wrong with me. There was so much going in my head. My best friend Aszee told me that it’s her loss. This made me realize that a lot of people accept me for being me. But in this situation, I’m sooo confused. Maybe, it’s the stories and problems that we share.

Just because we are no longer friends doesn’t mean I will forget the great memories, I had. Will I ever talk to her or forgive her. The answer will be no. But the problem with me is that I forgive easily and also feel pity for someone, who was actually there for me (in my life).I won’t know and do not want to know. I think I’m going to move on in life. As I went to my room to put away the cards and presents, she gave me. I saw my favorite teddy bear, which she bought me, for my birthday. I was debating to myself as usual. Should I just put away my teddy bear and put in a box, somewhere in the basement .That I will never search for. I don’t know if this is normal but I’m really attached to this teddy bear.

I’m going to move on. I’m going to enjoy life and forget about the past or maybe this day. It was like if someone stabbed me in the heart. I was so hurt that I didn’t know what to do. As long, I know that I have loving friend who are there for me. I should be good. I don’t know where I would be with Abigail wisdom and Aszee cheerful thoughts.

If I had to be honest with you, I don’t like sharing my sorrows and loss to the whole world. But when my siblings need help and I’m not there (on earth).They could always read through my blogs. So, they know how to handle this situation. It’s not, just them, it could be my relatives, family members, and friends and let’s not forget readers like you. I know that my advice may not be powerful but I hope people get an idea on what I’m saying.

 

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